*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT