When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
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Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”