Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
hackers play passwordle
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
British websites use biscuits.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]