Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
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I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
I have many caverns
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.