The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
You Might Also Like
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.