[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
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– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: