I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
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A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.