If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
You Might Also Like
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody