Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
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I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Ah yes. The three genders
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What’s a Messi?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers