[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
no
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions