When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
You Might Also Like
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?