shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
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Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.