Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
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4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
I’m aging like a fine banana
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
goldfish mafia
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)