I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.