Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?