When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
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Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Netflix and you sit over there.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
screw you
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*