Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
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wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Thursday Thought.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
brian had himself a morning…
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!