Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
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u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
🙅🏻
This is my cat’s medicine.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!