Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
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Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨