Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
me refusing to leave twitter
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.