Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Phonetics
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.