the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.