I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
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kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!