I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
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The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
#growingpains
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace