BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
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the greatest twitter interaction
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.