*3.5 thank you very much.
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If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.