Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
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ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.