Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
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Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.