KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
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“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
The absolute effort that went into this omg
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.