AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
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Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
This why you should mind your business
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Optional boss fight.
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝