Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
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Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Aaaa…CHOO!
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??