Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
I have a new favorite meme page
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats