[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
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(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.