7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
m’lady
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director