Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
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6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
“you changed” bro i was 15
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.