since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
That was easy.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]