Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
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Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …