Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch