Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.