“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk