I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
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YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Velcrow
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.