[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
The Weeknd is back
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The answer is funnier than the question
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?