Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.