10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people