calling in to work dehydrated
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Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
same energy
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.