The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks