If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
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My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.