*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
so i’m at the stock market right
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for