My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
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4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
How do you milk an almond?
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.