Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
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“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I’m not stressed
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name